Knight, naked and satiated and still in bed, kissed his lover Malcolm with a passionate kiss and caressed his silk-covered arm for a moment. “See you later ‘r tomorrow, love,” he said.
“Thank you, again,” Mal said, and parted from the kiss. He gave Knight a look of desire, reluctant to leave, but he already had the confirmation text from Thundrax.
Knight smiled and said, “Go on, ‘fore I take off y’r clothes again.”
Mal nodded, got off the bed, straightening his clothes. He left the bedroom, heading down the stairs. Knight listened, heard the door shut and the lock turn.
Knight closed his eyes, settling into the bed.
What’re you crazy? Go after him!
He’ll come home to me.
What if he’s better than you?
It always came to that. What if they were all better than him? “He loves me,” he whispered, like a mantra. We’re going to be married.
That won’t stop his nature. He saw in his mind, Xavier saying, “If your man wanders, don’t blame me.”
Knight turned on his side in bed. The voice was relentless: Thundrax is bigger than you, famous, got money, he’s smart, he’s polite, he’s stronger than you…
The voice turned into his mother: “You’re stupid, you’re only as good as I think you are, you’re boring in bed” …One of his exes: “You’re boring in bed. Always the same three positions. You on top, me on top, doggie style.”
He couldn’t tell her, “That’s what my mother taught me.”
His mind flashed if they ever made a movie about him. He snorted, his eyes still closed. He bet he’d get less on Rotten Tomatoes than Thundrax’s movie would. Who’d want to see a movie about a man who had sex with his mother to control his own Beast because his mother…what? Didn’t want him to find anyone else? Wanted to control him?
And aren’t you doing that to Mal?
He opened his eyes, focusing on the nightstand in the dark, where the different scented lubes were kept, lubes they had just used not too long ago. This was another statement that always came around in his mind on nights when Mal wasn’t home.
Love isn’t control.
That’s not what your mother said. Scenes, moments of passion, when she would say to him “I love you”; moments of indecision when she would say to him, “I’m doing this out of love for you”.
Trust isn’t control.
No answer from the voice. Ah ha! I got you this time, you son of a bitch, Knight thought, and lay down again. I trust that he’ll come home to me. He’s not using me. He’s not abusing me. He loves me, I love him, and we will marry, and we’ll take things day by day, moment by moment.
What about Thundrax? What if they do have sex?
Knight turned over to Mal’s side of the bed, and buried his face in Mal’s pillow, inhaling the scent.
“He’ll have enough sense to take a shower before he comes home.”
What if he’s better–
“I’m the best he’s got. Now shut the fuck up, mom.”
The voices went silent, for now.