Julian’s mother put the bowl of cereal down and said, “So what’s her name?”
Julian took a mouthful of Lucky Charms and looked up from the morning paper he was reading. He looked quizzically at her.
His mother sat down next to him. “Her name. The girl you’re going out with.”
Julian gulped, the marshmallow charms way too sweet.
She smiled. “Don’t think we can’t tell, Jules. You’ve been whistling in the shower these last three days. And using the smelly stuff.”
“Aunt Mary bought it for me for Christmas…”
“You hate smelly stuff.” She reached over and took Julian’s hand. “You don’t have to hide it.”
Julian looked at her mother’s hand. How disappointed would they be in him if he told them? He hardly mentioned Fold, except as a friend and teammate. His sister would be upset. His mother would be upset. His father would be pissed. Although these days have changed, Fold, there’s still the old generation that carries on the mores.
“Unless it’s not a girl?”
Julian knew he got the panicked look because he saw it reflected in his mother’s eyes. His mother didn’t let go of his arm. His mother didn’t look away. His mother smiled, the one that she would plaster on when she was showing houses to a family that she knew their credit score wouldn’t fly.
Julian took a breath. He pulled his arm away from his mother, as it had gotten too hot. “I’m sorry, mom,” he said, and left the cereal and paper there. He gathered his gym bag and started for the door.
“Julian,” said his mother. “Wait.”
He turned back, the dutiful son, his head hanging down. His mother negotiated the crutches through the doorway. The MS would probably take away her ability to walk in a couple of years, and she would be confined to downstairs for the rest of her life. But his mother was nothing if not stubborn, doctors be damned.
“Julian,” she said, looking very concerned and sad at the same time. “Are you happy?”
Julian pulled his head up. “I want you to be happy, mom. I don’t want you to be mad, or sad, or – ”
She stood up straight in the doorway. “Whoever this boy is, he’s making you happy. And that makes me happy, Jules. That makes me very happy.”
“Don’t just be saying that.”
“I’m not just saying that. I’m being honest with you.”
“So it’s okay that I’m gay?”
She swallowed, “Well, honey, you might not be really gay. You’re just exploring, that’s all.”
Julian slowly, ever so slowly, let his mouth drop open. “Not really gay?” He looked around, at anywhere but at her, his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. He knew what he wanted to say. He knew it would hurt. He knew it would cross the line and commit him.
“Of course. You’re only 19.”
He finally focused on her. “How can you say that? How can you say that!”
She rocked back a little, as if his words were hurled like spears.
“I’m attracted to men,” Julian said, slowly, calmly, quietly. “I am attracted to men. It’s not because I’m 19, or I’m exploring, or that I’m NOT REALLY gay. I am gay, mom. I’m sorry.”
He turned from her, waited a few seconds to see if she was going to call him again. She didn’t. He left, closing the door gently behind him, as a teardrop fell on his hand.